Trump Leaks Syphilis Rumors to Prove He's Not A Virgin
BREAKING: Trump might be a virgin. Proof? Who cares?! So, the New Republic ran an article on Friday suggesting that Trump's behavior could be the result of an untreated STD, syphilis. In trying to adapt to today's stellar journalism standards, I didn't actually read the article because who has time to read anything these days? My alternative was barely skimming a recap of the article on The Wrap. Again, in trying to adapt to today's standards I'm just going to tell you what I think, my completely unsubstantiated thoughts, based on a headline for something I didn't read.
Trump clearly leaked the syphilis rumors. Amidst all of the Russian communication leaks and all that fun stuff is this story. The President has been caught up in the past about hand sizes (i.e. penis size) and being "the best" (i.e. best at sex). My theory, a theory that is air tight and Zip-locked shut like a bag of meat in the freezer, is that Trump leaked this story to the so called Fake News Media to prove that he is not a virgin.
Yes, I know what you're thinking: Trump has children. But does anyone have any evidence that they were conceived in a human lady? They all look eerily similar and identical to Donald. Who's to say that they aren't clones made with his sample? They cloned that sheep a while ago or something. That explains why they all look like Trump themed Thumb Thumbs from Spy Kids. They are not humans, they are 'umans.
Next, everyone always says that Melania looks miserable and that one of the prime reasons is she has to make the sex with Donny J. I say she's miserable because Donald does not have intercourse with her because he is afraid and does not know how. That's why he marries so many models. He thinks because they are so beautiful they will teach him how to be good in bed. Sadly, none of them can help him.
Remember the Billy Bush tapes? He called it locker room talk. Yes, it was locker room talk because that is exactly the ilk of tongue that guys that don't get laid say. "Yo, you mack on Brittany on Friday?" "Yea, dude. Totally grabbed her pussy. I am so not a virgin nerd." "Oh, cool. I am so not a virgin either, Ha ha. Nerds."
Trump even went as far as trying to look sexually attracted to his daughter Ivanka just so people thought he likes sex and knows how to do it. Trump also definitely says "do it," like Fez on That 70's Show. What better way to prove to everyone in the world that you are not a virgin? Tell them you have an STD, and syphilis seems as good as any other.
If you still don't believe me just take a second to think what kind of insane person wants to President out of spite? A guy who is really mad that after 70 years on earth, 70 years in which one experiences great wealth and is surrounded by models and celebrities, has never penetrated a woman vaginally and brought her and himself to orgasm.
Donny J. Trump. 45th President of the United States. Super Virgin.