Idiots Without Credibility

The world is stupid & we're going to tell you about it.

Government Sends Aliens to Kill Off Restaurant Workers

Government Sends Aliens to Kill Off Restaurant Workers

I'm writing this to tell my story and to warn so many others like me. I am a waiter, and have been for 7 years. I say "waiter" because the term "waitress" is now gender neutral. Or maybe it's not. 

When I first started, I was oblivious to what the job truly meant. Back then, I mindlessly filled the water jugs, stacked plates, answered the phone and served my customers dutifully. As I grow in the field of waitering, I am becoming more aware of the horrible, vicious ploy it is, a ploy set up by the government in order to control population, or something.

It is humanly impossible for a person to stare at the menu right where the drinks are located, only to proclaim, "There is no drink menu here. Do you guys even have something to drink?"  This, my friends, is both a true story and also unraveled proof by my growing and clever mind. "Sir, the drinks are right there." I point right under his eyes.

"You don't have ginger ale?" 

Nobody in existence can be this A) Stupid B) Ignorant C) Obnoxious and self proclaiming D) Purposely ignant E) All of the above. And this is not the only instance in which waiters endure such trauma...

"Do you serve alcohol?" 

"No sorry! We're BYOB." 

"HAHA that's funny, I'll have a cabrinet." 

"I'm sorry it's Bring Your Own, we don't serve." 

"No you're joking." 

"No..I'm not" 

"Are you kidding me?" 

No mam. No. I am not kidding you. Because I don't kid around at this job. Because I don't laugh. Or smile. 

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The government seeks to drive waiters crazy by planting spies and decoys all over restaurants across the USA. They even have cameras. I know this because one time, someone had an ear piece in. This person blatantly ignored the "Please Wait to Be Seated" sign and sat he or she's tusshy right on the only table out of 10 empty ones that had dirty plates on it! HA! The GOVERNMENT told this person through EAR PIECE SPYWARE to choose the only DIRTY TABLE OUT OF ALL OF THEM so I could rush to clean off its contents, spray with Windex, wipe it down and set it up with placemats. All while the users of the table have put their cellphones in front of them blocking any chance of arranging their placemats neatly. Nice try government but I am still alive after THAT.

This brings me to my concern about aliens. We all know the government has aliens and that aliens lack human manners. For example: when I am speaking to a real human, non-government affiliated customer, the government-planted alien shouts across the room, "Excuse me, miss, waiter, hey lady, I need more water." HOW could the government think they can fool US with this BARBARIC DISPLAY of humanity or LACK THERE OF??
 

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When I'm taking a take-out order on the phone, I can spot an alien HEAVY. When they order around four entrees, all with meat to be grilled/cooked, I reply kindly that this will take about 25 minutes to half an hour. How do I know they're aliens?? When they respond, "THAT long? Can't you do it sooner?"

ALIENS.EAT.RAW.MEAT. This is like first grade material! They don't know that you have to COOK THE FOOD before you put it in the take out boxes.  

The government hasn't stopped and will not stop until we all QUIT OUR JOBS, or DIE OF PAIN.  Don't get me wrong, I take my job seriously, I'm GOOD AT IT, and am more than happy to arrange certain accommodations for vegans, gluten-frees, nut allergiers, etc...because they are real humans. Even people who make really bad dad jokes are humans, humans who aren't funny. But nontheless, I respect them. 

The government simply coaches their aliens to purposely ignore the waiter when asked if anyone's interested in dessert. COINCIDENCE? Aliens have high blood sugar and hearing aids that don't work because the government hasn't equipped them properly. I can stand there for roughly thirty seconds physically increasing the volume of my voice. Maybe they didn't hear me? They're staring at me. They stopped starring at me. They continued with their conversations now, completely ignoring me... They must be aliens. DON'T WORRY. I walk away slowly. 

Aliens for a fact are not picky with their food. So the government instructs them here on how to order. A chicken wrap comes with lettuce tomato and sauce. An alien says, "I want a chicken wrap without lettuce, an order and a half of chicken, half serving of tomatoes, double sauce, wheat bread, and no onions, oh it doesn't come with onions? Ok yeah I'll have onions then. And only half of this entree and extra bread, can you substitute the side of rice for an appetizer?" No.

Aliens also like ice in their drinks so the 189,037,926,075 times I have given an alien their drink and they make me go back to replace it with an iceless one: THAT'S the government telling them to do it, too. 

The government's endless tactics to shake my stamina and hinder my morale has WORKED! But don't think you've succeeded YET, gov't. I am going to keep waitering (is that a word?) because I need MONEY. YOUR MONEY!! Even though THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T TIP. 

The Gov't really wants to mess up a busy Saturday night. So when we're heavily booked, they send in a squad to complain that they didn't know reservations were recommended. Yelp says so. But they also lean in closer to the desk to see our schedule and peak into the dining room. "There are like three tables open. Can't we sit there?"  

"No I'm sorry they're reserved!" 

"Yeah right, no ones sitting there." 

Aliens don't understand how restaurants operate because there ARE NO restaurants in outer space! 

Aliens don't look at the prices before they order apparently because they complain when they receive a bill, they're shocked when, after sitting for 3 hours, we ask them to hurry their conversation up because another reservation has been waiting for their table. "Can't they sit at another table?" 

You know when Squidward thinks Spongebob and Patrick are snowballing his igloo so he goes crazy but it's just snow falling off the tree that suddenly appeared out of nowhere? That's the government.  

All instances in this article are 100 percent fact. 

This article goes out to all my fellow waiters and waitresses, I truly and sincerely feel for you. But don't let the government kill you. The government here is a metaphor for D-Bags. But seriously PSA: don't be jerks to waiters.

 

 

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