Friday Power Rankings: SpongeBob Episodes Part 3
Now we're getting into the nitty-gritty, as the kids say. Each episode here on in has crazy memorable quotes and moments. In order to write these descriptions, I have been rewatching, or at least peeping the Wiki summary for, each episode so I won't forget anything memorable. All this has done is make me go a little extra nuts over how such tight, excellent twelve-ish minute blocks could be so low on my list. It is hard for each episode now to not appear to be the Krabby Patty of my eye. I, simply, just have to remind myself that, like Krabby Patties, if I take in every moment from every episode at once it will just go straight to my thighs and then I'll blow up. I digress. Anyway, here are numbers 15 through 11.
15. Squilliam Returns
Table for hummanuh? Yes, I'll have some fine dining and breathing. As I trench through the emotional journey that is this list I have gained a new appreciation for the character of Squidward. A loner set in his ways and interests that had real emotions. He truly was a friend of everyone in the show despite being the grouchy, boring neighbor/cashier. We see glimpses of this throughout the show in episodes such as the Campfire Episode, Krusty Krab Pizza and others we have yet to discuss (wink, wink, hint, hint *elbow nudge* foreshadowing). I'm not saying everyone likes Squid, but his close friends are always there to help him. This particular case sees the introduction of his arch-nemesis Squilliam Fancyson. Let's get this out of the way quick, Squilliam is a huge dick. As a human, he would be wearing salmon shorts on a yacht somewhere with a sweater tied around his shoulders. He went to a prep school and never worked a day in his life because his trust fund never ran out from whatever shady Koch brothers, Clinton family type activity his dad was involved in. Squilliam would hang out with Brock Turner. Squid lives a fine life, but Squilliam and his entourage of fake friends come back to make Squid the butt of their jokes, and, ultimately, the target of a song played on the "world's smallest violin." From a character stand point, I would say what makes this episode so funny is that we do, in fact, feel for Squidward whether we realize it or not. Regardless, let me quickly go through the hilarity that ensues when Squid is given the Krusty Krab for a day to pretend it is his very own five-star restaurant: "May I take your hat sir." "No, I cleaned the toilets on the Gourmet. I was head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea." "More soup for your armpit." "Please enjoy the food!" *Sponge cheese grating that guys backside* My personal favorite part of this episode is the look into SpongeBob's mind when he has to clear it all except for fine dining and breathing. I just think that's one of the coolest, most creative ideas. Well, this description is a little all over the place. I rambled a bit and it is quite long, so I'll just leave you with "THE APPETIZER."
14. No Weenies Allowed
I used to watch this episode over and over... Without any milk. Remember when I was talking about this list getting really hard. Yep. No matter how difficult I keep telling you this was it doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't be tough enough to get into the Salty Spitoon. If anything, if I got in I am way too much of a smart-ass. I would have definitely gotten a can of whoop-ass opened on me. Imagine someone with muscles on their eye balls asking someone if he called him a liar? Then the answer is "I ain't calling you for dinner." I would have flipped out and burst out laughing. It would've been like a fart in church, or anything in church for that matter. I would be too scared to laugh and it wouldn't help. Then I would go to the bathroom, be at the urinal, remember what happened, burst out laughing again and then the guy next to me would think I was laughing at his penis. Then I would really have to go to Weenie Hut Generals. Or maybe the guy in the bathroom would roll with it. Why do I feel like the Salty Spitoon is a gay bar? Also, when Patrick fights himself it is great.
13. Dying for Pie
Dying for Pie might have the most ridiculous premise of any Sponge episode. Yes, I know much of the show is ridiculous, but this one may take the cake, or should I say pie, or bomb. Squidward buys a pie, for SpongeBob, from pirates. The pirates then say that the pies are not pies. The pies are bombs made in a bomb factory. The premise alone is what gets this episode so high on the list. It may not have as many moments as say, Squilliam Returns, but the pie is a bomb that's just hilarious. AND this has happened in Bikini Bottom ELEVEN TIMES. Mr. Krabs also witnessed each of the eleven previous times. This is one of the few times I would say that being SB's friend has to be so exhausting. Actually, I bet so many people around town hate SpongeBob. Why do you need to introduce everyone to your friend once in a normal fashion and then again in a salmon suit? I feel like that is definitely insensitive considering they are fish. It is probably the equivalent of KKK robes or blackface.
12. Rock Bottom
This is an episode that started much, much higher and continued to fall as I progressed. There are two-unequal halves to this episode, so I guess really just two parts. The first part is before they get off the bus in Rock Bottom. The second part, naturally, is when SpongeBob is stranded in Rock Bottom. This tale of two episodes, for me, is what keeps Rock Bottom from being higher on the list. The fact that Glove World is a thing is awesome. The bus ride is just classic comedy. SpongeBob hitting the bus driver with his balloon as he turns to check his pockets for money followed by the force of gravity pancaking SB and Pat in the back of the bus is something I would expect to see out of the Three Stooges. The second part of the episode is just a lot of fart noises. Frankly, it kind of bothers me. But hey, that's just me. It's still number 12 which is my favorite number.
11. Ripped Pants
When I ripped my pants. I thought that I had everybody by my side... I know this song by heart. No joke. This is the oldest SB episode on the list so far. I don't have much to say about it to be honest. It is just all around good. It has heart, it has laughs and it has a message for the kids, after all it is a kids' show. I can be the first to tell you that a running joke gone too far is one of the top-five worst things in the world. It is pretty much a hate crime. Don't milk a joke that dry or you'll end up with ripped pants and no friends. That's all for this one. Here's the song. It's awesome.
Next week we crack the Top 10. Call me a young David Letterman.