Idiots Without Credibility

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A Peek into New iPhone 7 Features

A Peek into New iPhone 7 Features

The much anticipated iPhone 7 will be released September 16. Tim Cook led Apple’s latest press conference revealing the wondrous, awe-striking new features. One after the other, the iPhone 7 and 7 Plus features don’t surprise us at all given Apple’s past of absolute nuttery. Here’s what you missed (if you missed it):


1.         No Headphone Jack

I know what you’re thinking, how will you walk to class purposely ignoring communication with others by cleverly slipping on headphones? There is a simple solution: don’t buy the iPhone 7.


2.         Advanced Siri

Siri now talks without being spoken to, judges your meal choices, cock-blocks and even gives you wrong answers to your homework. This feature is called the “no chill Siri.”


3.         Steve Jobs Hologram

Apple thinks people better identified with the brand when original founder Steve Jobs didn’t die. So they’re bringing him back except he keeps commenting on everything he would change about the iPhone 7.


4.         Pokemon Go

The iPhone 7 actually is only a Pokemon Go game console.


5.         Apple Watch

You can now swim with your Apple Watch on so that you can purchase the new version when it breaks.


6.         EarPods

Because there is no headphone jack, Apple created wireless headphones that double as Q-Tips to clean the gunk that REAL headphones left behind.


7.         Sleek New Look

*insert slo-mo, high-def video of floating iPhone 7. Screen shines, body of phone intricately rotates, combination of techno/indie music plays in background, electronic chimes whistle, birds chirp, the iPhone 7 is still floating, but falls and breaks*


8.         12-Megapixel Camera

Now you can take a picture by blinking your eyes and it will show up on your phone but only when you  select the “Non-Pokemon Go” option. But when you use the phone as normal, Doduo and Ratata’s show up in real time before your very eyes. Yes, only Doduo and Ratata.

Disclaimer: Some of these features are merely... rumored to be included.



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