Friday Power Rankings: SpongeBob Episodes Part 1
This is the most stressful and difficult thing I have ever done. The pressure I placed on myself for this list greatly exceeds any pressure you will ever endure in your life. My nickname is Dirty Bubble for Neptune's sake. Not even Barack Obama would understand the undertaking for which I have dedicated myself to in forging this list. Well, maybe Obama would understand. Bush? Not so much. But Dubya definitely loves himself some Sponge. In the deepest, darkest point of my overwhelming boredom, dare I say rock bottom, I spent hours researching, contemplating and consulting in order to identify the top twenty-five episodes of without a doubt the greatest animated children aimed television program of my generation, Spongebob SquarePants. Not only could SpongeBob give its kid-cartoon predecessors a run for their money (we're looking at you Scooby Doo, or should I say "those meddling kids and their dumb dog, too), but it could be up there in the greatest animated shows of all-time. But that is a Power Rankings for another day. For now we take a look at numbers twenty-one through twenty-five. I could have ranked more episodes. I actually went as far as thirty and still had trouble fitting in some classics. Alas, I settled on this number because the only thing funnier than twenty-four is, of course, twenty-five.
Conditions: everything after theSkill Crane season was not considered.
Here are some that just missed the cut. While some of these have iconic scenes or memories the episode as a whole did not hold up. Please don't kill me.
Survival of the Idiots: "I'm Dirty Dan"
Squidville: Patrick to a fire hydrant: "Are you squidward? Take your time"
Jellyfishing: Firmly grasp it.
Jellyfish Jam: Wow, do those jellyfish love to dance.
Texas: Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb?
25) I Had an Accident
This episode may be better known as "Indoors." This episode had some great moments. SpongeBob breaks his butt and gets it glued back together. Then he goes on butt-patrol to avoid injuring his rear-end again because another incident could result in him earning the iron butt. After witnessing many butt threatening activities, such as the longest spank train, SpongeBob isolates himself inside the pineapple with Penny, Chip and Used Napkin. Boy, Penny had quite the singing voice. Sandy and Patrick couldn't lure him out of his home by offering ice cream and bathing an old person. Their final resort saw Patrick dressed as Harambe and then there was a zebra and a real gorilla. I actually have no idea what exactly happens at the end of this episode. It is the most ridiculous conclusion ever. It is only fitting it ends with a family looking at each other like, "What the fuck?"
24) Mid-Life Crustacean
I guess you're going to miss the panty raid? Real quick: how did Nickelodeon ever allow this? Characters breaking and entering into a home to steal women's underwear? SpongeBob and Patrick you sneaky, sniffing rascals. Mr. Krabs gave up on the night before this proposal so maybe it is, fittingly, a Bikini Bottom thing because I have never heard of this happening in real life. Be like a normal person, Eugene, and buy those dirty panties on Craigslist. Also, the dude must be the worst son ever if he didn't know what his mom's house looked like. It's literally a pink version of his house. It stands out. Everyone seems to overlook that somehow he's pretty cool with the fact that Sponge and Pat have a collection of his mom's undergarments. Whatever.
23) Secret Box
Now that we know SpongeBob is into stealing underwear, who knows what type of kinky shenanigans was captured in that infamous picture of him at the Christmas party. All I know is fish Harvey Levin should have been all over it to expose the most talented fry cook in the deep blue sea. Regardless, this episode saw the structure of a beautiful best friendship shake in an earthquake of secrecy. My question is why would Patrick be so quick to break this bond with Sponge for breaking into his house while he is deliberately hiding something from him? Is he trying to protect Sponge by keeping the secret? Is he Alfred burning Rachel's letter to Bruce in the Dark Knight? I don't know, but the inner machinations of Patrick's mind are, in fact, an enigma.
22) Krusty Krab Training Video
While--HOOPLA. While this episode- HOOPLA! While this episode- HOOPLA! While this episode featured a load of hoopla, it offers an in depth look at what it takes to be a Krusty Krab employee. Basically, don't be Squidward and you're fine. It is also essential to remember P.O.O.P.: People Order Our Patties. The only thing I don't like about this episode is I always thought the ending was cut off early. In my youth, I never understood that we weren't meant to see the Krabby Patty formula. I firmly believed Nickelodeon cut the last scene every single time like it was some fascist regime censoring Hillenburg and Co. I have never received proof one way or the other, so perhaps I was right all along.
21) Sailor Mouth
Squidward smells... Good. Well, readers how am I doing so far? Have I *dolphin noise* it up? Am I doing pretty *dolphin noise* good? The infamous number eleven of the dirty words. I've never truly been able to discover which of our people swears number eleven represents. I always assumed it was an F-bomb, and chances are it is. I would love for the writers to come out and address this years from now and clear it up. What if it was the "C" word? Escalators! Escalators! Escalators! Eels. C-WORD! I could see it. That reveal would go over way better in Europe than The U.S. Of course let's not forget the Old Man Jenkins cameo. He is always welcome regardless of which way he is drawn.
That's it for now. Stay tuned for episodes 20-16.