Friday Power Rankings: Red Rangers
If you go out this weekend, man or lady, and you don't go home with someone, and the first thing you do when you get back isn't put on Netflix to watch some Power Rangers, you're doing something wrong. After a night of rejection, a night of striking out and not looking good enough through someone else's drunk goggles, the only thing that can lift you up is a little Morphin Time. Hell, even if you get lucky just kick out whoever came over and shift into turbo. Power Rangers is the definitive awesome kid show that is hilariously awful to watch as you get older, but it is also a classic 3 a.m. show to flick on with your roommates while eating Dominoes. That is the true arc of a good kids' show: you love it as long as you can until you start watching porn and then you watch it when you're hammered with your roommates again in college. Without further ado, here are my Top 5 Red Rangers of all time (everything after Wild Force doesn't count).
Honorable mention: Cole Evans/Wild force
Cole was kind of cool, I guess, but what really lands him on here is that in real life he killed someone. Ricardo Medina Jr. straight up MURDERED a guy with a, wait for it, Samurai sword. Not that I condone murder, but to know that one of the Rangers had some fighting ability in the real world definitely lands you some points.
5. Wes & Eric/Time Force
Even though Power Rangers Time Force has this weird daytime soap opera/Skinemax type of vibe at times (I think it was the lighting) it features some of the coolest stuff the series has ever offered which includes Wes and Eric. Wes, of course, is the red ranger, and Eric is the Quantum Ranger. Eric is one of the best mid-season ranger additions which technically means he isn't a red ranger, but his costume was red and he was in the Forever Red episode so he counts. The power struggle between Wes and Eric for command of the Rangers was one for the ages. Also Wes's dad always came off as a cheap Canadian (if he's Canadian I have no idea) version of the 7th Heaven dad. We know how that guy turned out *cough molester cough*, now imagine his second understudy in cheap porn lighting. Why this makes it better? I don't know, but roll with it.
4. Andros/In Space
To be honest, off the top of my head Andros never did anything that special. I do know for a fact he was there though. Maybe he just sticks out in my mind because he had that crazy cookies and cream colored hair. What I do know is he put the entire Forever Red episode in motion by tracking the machine empire to the moon by doing his best Obi Wan Kenobi stealth mission. He even had the oversized robe and hood. Just for that episode we should all be thankful. Also, I always thought it was "Ambrose." Thanks Google!
3. Leo/Lost Galaxy
Lost Galaxy features arguably the best theme song and the baddest female ranger of them all in Mia, though Kimberly will always own my heart. PRLG may also have the most badass Red Ranger. Leo is pretty much the Batman of Power Rangers except instead of dead parents he watched his older brother Mike fall into oblivion. It's fair to say Leo smashed some skulls, and always did it with some swag. Not to mention his jawline, ladies. Leo was my guy. Two words: denim shirt. Side note: big brother Mike is a perfect combo of Chandler and Joey from friends.
2. Carter/Lightspeed Rescue
Not gonna lie it's hard to keep Carter out of the one spot. Carter is like the Derek Jeter of Power Rangers. He can do absolutely no wrong and did everything by the book. He is the definitive hero of the power rangers world and as a firefighter by day he was a great service to the community in and out of the costume. If it wasn't for that God awful haircut he could be sitting pretty on top. It's like some sick cross between Will Hunting and Crispin Glover. Btw what is Crispin Glover? He looks like he hatched from an egg at 30.
1. Jason/Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
Hands down gotta go with the OG red ranger here. Jason was a true leader from day one (day of the dumpster). This man was teaching all of Angel Grove how to do some karate in his own little Tiger Schulman before Zordon chose the Rangers. If it wasn't for Jason the inaugural squad wouldn't have been able to jump and kick at the same time! That's like the only move they do! Sadly, Jason was short lived and after a contract dispute he was replaced by Rocky (Spoiler: one of the worst) and then Tommy stepped in to embark on becoming (SPOILERS) the all time greatest power ranger. When it comes to Red Rangers Jason will always be the goat emoji. When you think of power rangers the first thing you should hear is Jason yelling "IT'S MORPHIN TIME" which is also what I yell when i orgasm.