Thank You, Mr. Johnson
What can I say except... Thank You. From dropping “The People’s Elbow” onto tons of jabronis to becoming the sexiest man alive, you have done nothing but win over the hearts of the millions (AND MILLIONS) of your adoring fans. But now I would like to thank you for probably the most unsuspecting achievement of them all.
Making the BILLBOARD HOT 100 as a singer is a first for me. Very cool. THANK YOU Billboard & fans for the congratulations luv. Huge shout out to my ace and musical genius Lin Manuel Miranda for writing this song that's been so dope and fun to sing. And thank you Jesus for blessing me with the voice that's been described as warm honey coated gravel on a sexy country day. Admittedly, the woman who referred to my voice as such was very intoxicated, but that's our sexy business #BillboardHot100 #YoureWelcome #Moana
Have any of you reading seen the movie Moana? If the answer is no, get the fuck off your candy asses and watch this masterpiece. The visuals are absolutely stunning. The story is top notch. I will not lie when I say I had to get up and leave the theatre thirty minutes into the film because I was crying like a little bitch. Damn you Disney, always pulling at my heart strings. And to say the music was absolutely phenomenal would be a HUGE understatement. The greatest track, however, is obviously “You’re Welcome.” God damn do you have the voice of an angel, Mr. Johnson. Thank you for taking a break from eating all the pootang pie you can handle at the Smackdown Hotel to bless us with this gem. I have literally not stopped listening to this song since it came out. I memorized all of the lyrics BEFORE I even stepped foot in the theatre. For those who think that is a little excessive……..IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK. Also you probably don’t have any taste in music and can’t read the Billboard top 100 because this song is currently ranked at 83. So while you losers are jamming out to the Chainsmokers and Justin Bieber, I’ll be singing along with a 2,000 lbs. gorilla of a man who plays a Demi-God in the hottest new children’s movie. Did J-Biebs ever pull islands from the sea or sprout a coconut tree using nothing but a FUCKING EELS INTESTINES? No? Didn’t think so.
With Baywatch and Jumanji on the horizon, once again, thank you for all that you do Dwayne. Even that picture where you look like a lesbian wearing a fanny pack holds a special place in my heart. I want you to know that the day I stop listening to “You’re Welcome” will be the day I die (or the day I go deaf from blasting it out of my earphones). Keep doing you, good sir, and if anyone tries to tell you that you can’t sing I believe nothing would be more fitting than for you to hit ‘em with a good ole Rock Bottom to put them on their back for a three count.