Why Festivus is the Perfect Holiday
I'll get the pole out of the crawl space! It is December 23rd! A day for us all to celebrate in unison, void of religious sequitur and capitalist driven materialism. All we have is each other and everything we fricken hate about each other. The true spirit of the holidays; the holiday of Festivus. A Festivus for the Restofus! I will now pass it off to Frank Costanza to explain the holiday for the unenlightened.
There had to be another way, and this is that other way. Festivus embraces a more realistic truth about humans, a more natural one. We are terrible beings. The holidays, no matter which of them you celebrate, have two primary ideals: a religious ideal or a materialist ideal. Both aspects, whether you embrace or focus on one, the other or both, are truly there to distract us from how miserable you are and how miserable life is. Why mask that and subject ourselves to raining blows upon others for a doll? Thus, the Airing of Grievances. The Airing of Grievances is essentially the moment everyone has been waiting for their entire lives. You know those moments when you're awake at night or standing unnecessarily long in the shower just contemplating your mistakes and rethinking moments with other people. Well, this is that time to live out those spiteful fantasies! Sit down with these people and say everything you've been telling them in your head for the entire year! What better gift is there than explaining to someone in detail how much you despise them? It's way better than acting like you're happy. Santa isn't going to pay off your credit card debt, and buying gifts for your coworkers or whoever you buy gifts for sure won't either. Now the satisfaction of telling them off? Priceless. A Festivus miracle!
Following dinner is the other key ceremony, the Feats of Strength. The closing ceremony; pin the host and the celebration is concluded. Free shot at fighting the head of the family. That's pretty cool. It's probably awkward as that person gets older, but to quote Frank Costanza: "Stop crying and fight your father!"
Finally, Festivus is a day to celebrate all things Seinfeld. While I celebrate the Sein daily I understand that not everyone does, so to have a day set aside once a year exclusively for the greatest television show of all time, and the remainder of history, is nice. Yeah, shut up people that like Friends. You're stupid. Seinfeld will never be surpassed. It is the tightest, most nuanced thing ever written and produced for broadcast. Some celebrate Hanukkah due to their Jewish faith. Some celebrate Christmas for the birth of Jesus Christ. Seinfeld is my religion and George Costanza is my Lord and Savior. I bow to thee Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
P.S. If you need a last minute gift for anybody don't hesitate to hand out some cards that confirm a donation in their name to The Human Fund. The Human Fund: Money for People.