Idiots Without Credibility

The world is stupid & we're going to tell you about it.

Breaking Down FOX Op-Ed: Is Santa Conservative?

Breaking Down FOX Op-Ed: Is Santa Conservative?

On Monday, author Frank Miniter published an opinion piece on FOXNews.com: "Is Santa Claus, dare we say it, a conservative?" Interesting question I must say. Santa is a fictional character and it doesn't matter at all. In all seriousness this is something I would have considered writing satirically but Mr. Miniter beat me to it, and because it is on FOX News and Miniter wrote a book called The Future of the Gun, I'll lean toward this being serious. Even if he wasn't serious the target audience most definitely interpreted it as so. For the sake of argument I'm going to break down Mr. Miniter's evidence, and more often than not take the Devil's advocate side because that's way more fun. Let's go. 

Though he’s known as Saint Nick, it’s safe to say Santa Claus would prefer to stay out of (or above) the whole war on Christmas debate. He isn’t a secular invention, but he doesn’t wear religion on his sleeve. He is jolly, loves cookies and his mission in life is to give so generously to all the kids in the world that he needs a magic sleigh with flying reindeer, one with a red glowing nose, to deliver his gifts Christmas Eve and early Christmas night. 

What exactly is the War on Christmas? I know a lot of people are worried about ISIS, but who exactly is waging a war on Christmas? I've not seen a video on the news from the new Bin Laden being like "Hey, fuck Christmas! We are going to blow up the shit outta Christmas! Death to Christmas!" Idk whatever. I would also like to say that Rudolph, though a popular story, pretty fucked up story if you really pay attention to it, is not in Santa Clause cannon. He only appears in his own movies. Not even on car commercials.

But there are a few other things about Santa that make him too old-school for today’s politically correct set.

Santa is too old-school for today's political correct set? Doesn't this guy know Santa can be black. Maybe he is still in denial about that.

Let’s consider his bio. Santa Claus is a portly, joyous, white-bearded man who often wears glasses on the tip of his nose. He wears a red coat with white fur collar and cuffs, white fur-cuffed red trousers and a big black belt and tall boots. He carries a bag full of presents for good children. This depiction of Santa became popular in North America in the early 19th century after the poem “A Visit From St. Nicholas” (better known today as “The Night Before Christmas”) was published in 1823.

So he likes real fur. I could see that. The North Pole is cold and who has time to listen to PETA. Not exactly conservative so far.

Santa, however, isn’t just jolly St. Nick. He is a man with a harsh and stringent code. Santa makes lists of children throughout the world and, oh no, he puts them in categories according to their behavior. His ledger has two columns: one for the good and the other for the bad (the “naughty” and “nice”). He gives toys and candy to the well-behaved children, but he doesn’t forget the bad kids, no, he puts lumps of coal in their Christmas stockings.

The shtick here is that he categorizes people, but it isn't an issue here. Why? It isn't by race, gender or religion. You know, like the things that people get upset about. Santa only discriminates if you're a dick. The only conservative idea so far is that he supports the coal industry, but his stance on clean energy is unknown for his reindeer are magic and don't run on oil.

He believes in accountability, but is generous of heart and of a forgiving nature. Last year can be forgotten if you were good this year. Mahatma Ghandi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Santa is obviously a man of such strong character he can forgive easily. He is a man living by a code.

So he has values and forgives easily. Based on that idea the make believe man who drives a flying sleigh sounds a little Jesus like, and Jesus loved everybody. Everybody includes people such as immigrants, Muslims and gay people. But he has an unwavering code so I guess he's conservative. By definition, yes, but... whatever. It's contradictory. I hate our political climate. Next.

Santa likely wouldn’t go in for participation awards and scoreless soccer games for the kids. No, he believes in real outcomes, even in rewards and punishments.

Now that I think of it, the Santa in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is definitely conservative. He excluded Rudolph from any reindeer games because of his nose. He was a dick. The participation trophy stuff? Yea, whatever, sure. That stuff is stupid anyway. Soccer, though? I'd peg Santa for more of an American football guy, but I may be stereotyping him based on weight. 

So dare we say it: Santa is a conservative. 

It's the internet. You can say whatever you want, pal. I do it all the time. This is fun.

Santa is also a hardworking guy. He’s a factory owner. Santa’s workshop (his factory) is now often portrayed as a fully mechanized production and distribution facility. He makes all his toys and candy there with the help of his elves at the North Pole. We don’t know if they’re unionized or have a good healthcare plan, but they always seem happy. We do know he imports his goods all over the world without paying taxes or dealing with trade agreements, so he’s a free trader. His only pay is milk and cookies, so perhaps that makes it okay that he bypasses taxes and tariffs. 

Yes, he owns a factory, and we are unaware of the elves working conditions, benefits and whether they have Elf labor unions, but don't shoot your gun too quick on him being a conservative. What appears to be supporting free trade may actually be SOCIALISM. Santa makes no money. Why would he support trickle down economics? He isn't American because the idea of a Santa Claus precedes the United States so he didn't outsource to the North Pole for tax breaks. He imports goods all over the world free of charge, distributing equally to everyone be it gift or coal. That is pretty socialist to me. Take it a step further. These Elves are working for no pay and Santa provides everything for them equally. He wears a RED suit. He's a fricken COMMY. 

Santa keeps reindeer. What they eat up there in all that snow and ice we don’t know. But, as a livestock owner, he is connected to the earth in a very real and manly way.

So being "manly" is a conservative thing? What if your a woman who identifies as "manly?" Or a "manly" man transitioning into a woman? Which bathroom is "manly?"

Mrs. Claus is in a support role. Perhaps she is the CFO. She certainly seems to have the upper hand with Santa when she needs it. But, though they have no children of their own, she has most often been depicted in the old-fashioned role of a housewife.

This is implying that Santa is sexist, right? Mrs. Claus is a strong independent woman. Anyone who has seen A Year Without A Santa Clause knows that Mrs. Claus is not bound to gender roles. She's right up there with Michelle Obama and Beyonce. 

No doubt about it, Santa is old fashioned. He is also an individualist. He goes his own way. He doesn’t obey airport tower controllers or customs officials.

I'm not sure if Santa is a citizen or not, but it is safe to say he isn't providing a passport when he enters. This makes him, brace yourself, AN ILLEGAL, UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT when he is dropping presents in this country. Build a wall in the sky!

Santa is a man with deep values and endless kindness. He is never cold-hearted, well, except for the lump of coal thing. That makes him a practical man, a man who believes in raising the next generation right with real consequences guiding the way to adulthood. To me, this makes him a man’s man. Though I wouldn’t call him a man of the times, not in this age, but he might be again, as he is sticking to the timeless values.

The only consistent value stated is that Santa doesn't want you to be a dick. If being conservative, or liberal for that matter, meant not being a dick then there would either be no political parties or shit wouldn't be so fucked. Let's get that party going, the Don't Be A Dick Party. 

Final Thoughts: Santa is a pagan tradition adapted to a Catholic holiday. Isn't the idea of him, in nature, not conservative? "Timeless values" for many still hold some religious significance and if one is to not be a hypocrite, Santa would classify as a false idol of sorts. Also, he gives gifts to everyone for free that is so socialist. LOL. Thanks for reading if you read this far. Merry Christmas.

Update: I peep the guy's Twitter and look at this troll. This is what we are now. Trolling everybody constantly.

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