Friday Power Rankings: Weirdest Christmas Traditions
Here we are. It is now December and the ABC Family, excuse me Freeform, 25 days of Christmas is underway, therefore I can now acknowledge this as the holiday season. Rather, should I say "szn" because that's what the kids say. I guess at some point "season" got to be too much, or maybe white kids on twitter think it's more "urban." Did it start on Black Twitter? I don't know! I'm a really bad millennial! Just as I fail to understand my generation's trends, I fail to understand some of Christmas' traditions. Straight up some of the stuff people have become accustomed to is stranger things. Let's break it down. Friday Power Rankings is back with a bang: Weirdest Traditions related to Christmas, or as Vin Diesel would say XXX-mas the Return of Xander Clause.
Honorable Mention: Season's Greetings
Just what the fuck does this even mean. Happy Holidays makes sense. There are multiple holidays during this time. Happy all of them. Whichever you check off on the list, enjoy it. Enjoy all of them. I don't care. Just what the fuck is Season's Greetings? Hey, the season is here and it says hey. Okay cool, thanks pal.
5. The Tunes
I'll keep this one short. The most popular of Christmas time customs has to be the music. Some radio stations and stores boldly even start before Thanksgiving, which should be against the law. It baffles me though how so much of the music played today are religious songs of old. Christmas has been greatly removed from its religious origins to make way for capitalism. While there are more modern bangers out there such as the ever popular and white girl favorite All I Want for Christmas Is You, there are songs that are sung at Mass on the radio. Also, is it racist to sing Feliz Navidad? Will we be able to sing it next Christmas? Questions I don't have answers for.
4. Milk & Cookies For Santa
This isn't that weird when you place it in context. If you want your kid to think Santa broke into your house to leave presents then you need evidence. However, this is 2016. A time when lactose and gluten are pretty much the equivalent of what Communism and threat of nuclear warfare was during the peak of the Cold War. My fear is that children will find out the truth behind the Santa charade much earlier now. I can see it now. Kids going into school saying how they left Santa milk and cookies. Then Tristan, Lilith and Cadence come over to assure your child that Santa doesn't eat cookies or drink milk because he is vegan, and they left him kale chips and wheat grass juice. All organic of course. Free of antibiotics, GMO's and a child's imagination.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Don't worry, I'm not going to go on a rant hating on Rudolph. Some nerds have already been doing that for the last few years. Remember when people tried to ban it for promoting bullying? How can you possibly justify that it promotes bullying when the whole movie is about the redemption of a reject? My problem, however, with how weird it is is that somehow the creators tricked us into loving a tale in which the most prominent supporting character is an elf that wants to be a dentist. That's like the most boring detail ever. Imagine pitching that today in a world that has seen Avatar and the Marvel Universe. "Alright so who else is in this reindeer movie?" "We were thinking an elf who doesn't want to make toys." "Okay, so he's an outcast, too. What does he want to do?" "Um. Be a dentist." I don't think that meeting would end well.
2. Christmas Trees
Trees grow outside. In December people put them in their living rooms. Just let that sink in. Something that you pretty much have to do for Christmas is get a tree that grows outside in nature and put it in the corner of a room in your house. Then you have to put lights on it because just having a living tree in your house isn't enough. Throw lights and colored balls on that plant that we have on life support! I don't get it. I'm not an environmentalist by any means so I hope I didn't lose you, but take this little nugget. Christmas trees are a pagan tradition that has been done for thousands of years. That means that for Christmas throughout most of history people had trees in their house but didn't have toilets. People, up until pretty recent relative to history, would have to leave the house to drop a deuce but would bring a tree indoors. The only thing weirder than a Christmas tree in your house is a fake Christmas tree in your house. Yes, I understand people don't want to worry about clean up or maybe don't like the smell (personally I like the smell), but putting up a fake Christmas tree is like using a fleshlight. Sure, it serves a purpose but if you're going to go through all that trouble why not just go for the real thing?
1. Mall Santas
All of these guys are pedophiles. No argument. At the very least they are trying out kids the way that college girls experiment with other girls in college movies. Sadly, this is no cliche. Next time your kid sits on Santa's lap I would just assume that something was poking your child in the lower back. No, a child did not piss themselves on Santa's lap. Santa leaked some eggnog because he got a little too excited by your offspring. The most normal mall Santa, on a good day, would still be a Zach Galifianakis character in a movie. That's not good. And you're trusting your child to tell these creeps what they want for Christmas? Now they know exactly what to use to lure them into their vans! Keep an eye out parents. Mall Santas are the type of guys that put ads on Craigslist, and even worse, answer ads on Craigslist.
There you have it, folks. My top 5 weirdest Christmas traditions. For more Friday Power Rankings click this here.