Idiots Without Credibility

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Explaining the "D**K HANGS" Movement

Explaining the "D**K HANGS" Movement

Now that the World Series has concluded, I would like to take this time to explain a phrase that I have so gleefully adapted into my description of exemplary individuals in their field: *insert name's* DICK HANGS, sometimes followed by the hashtag "#HANGERS."  

To say someone's DICK HANGS, specifically in all caps, is to acknowledge a performance that exceeds one's contemporaries in that particular moment in the grandist of fashions. While many individuals can perform at higher levels than others at their craft there is also a level of tenacity and swagger that comes along with the moniker. There needs to be some grit, arrogance and clutch. Simply put, one needs to act in a way as if their (figurative) penis is scraping the floor flaccid (HANGIN' LOW).

Now, I am fully aware of the criticisms that may and probably should accompany this phrase but I will hopefully clarify the situation. It may be easy to claim this is sexist and that is far from the truth. Any person, with or without a male genitalia, can exemplify DICK HANGS. It is an attitude and a cockiness. It is knowing that you, at that moment, are better than your adversaries and you are going to absolutely one-hundo percent own it. The Williams' sisters are fine examples of this principle throughout their ever so dominant careers. 

Some men are even uncomfortable with this claiming that it is homesexual to discuss openly another man's penis. Well, sir you are missing the point. One, I can picture anyone naked no matter what my sexual preference or tendencies are, and you can too. Two, it is not about the physical anatomy. It is about being overcome by a spiritual force that lets you rise to the occasion and then give everyone the finger. 

Still not getting it? Here's some examples. 

Edwin Encarnacion

Look at that. Dude steps up to the plate and knows that he went YAHTZEE 42 times this year. He knows he plated 127 Rib-Eye-Steaks. In a winner take all Wild Card game Edwin Encarnacion stepped in and said 11 innings is long enough. After being intentionally walked earlier in the game he said to Ubaldo Jimenez: "You stupid son of a bitch I'm ending this." First pitch, get off me ball. I was out watching this game and everyone could feel that home run coming because everybody knew that in that moment Encarnacion was not going to let anyone beat him. It was time to go home and he wasn't going home a loser. Dick=Hangs.

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Alex Trebek

Akin to Chaz Michael Michaels in Blades of Glory, Alex Trebek is Jeopardy! Boom! I would say that most people that watch Jeopardy! don't realize that Trebek is an absolute savage. He makes fun of every single contestant straight to their face every episode. He straight up called that woman and her friends losers. RIGHT TO HER FACE ON TELEVISION. THEY LOOK UP TO YOU. I am convinced that the contestants are not selected based off of tests and trials but rather who has the most embarrassing story for Trebek to laugh at. I'm not saying that it's wrong to do cosplay or whatever but there are way too many people that have Star Wars themed weddings on this game show. That's all i'm saying. Another sneaky factor in this is that everyone assumes Trebek is the smartest guy on the planet but there is no shot he knows half of that stuff. If he was a contestant I bet he'd leave with the couple thousand from Aleve and be embarassed on Final Jeopardy. That's why he HANGS. He's still so damn cocky. I'm not sure there can ever be a Jeopardy! without Trebek and he knows it. He is the king of game shows past, present and future. King of the hour after the news but before prime-time. Pat Sajak would do blasphemous, disgusting things to be Trebek. Keep doing you Alex, you arrogant ol' Canadian. 

Theo Epstein

The greatest executive in sports history. The breaker of the two most profound curses in not only baseball but possibly all of sports (as far as Americans are concerned anyway). In the wake of the Cubs 2016 World Series victory I am actually at a loss for words when it comes to Theo. I can't fathom how he must feel. Just imagine how many people in Boston, Chicago and across the country felt a happiness that they never were able to experience before because of Theo Epstein. There are videos going around the interweb of 80 somethings and 90 somethings jumping for joy (probably not the safest reaction by the elderly) because Theo made what many deemed impossible possible again. Give this man a Nobel Prize! I'm serious. It is actually sad that I don't give more credit to Maddon and the players, but Theo is the architect of now two teams that pieced together shattered pieces of two cities' decades (and for Chicago a centuries worth) of broken hearts. Theo, your DICK absolutely HANGS. It hangs in a suit. It hangs with a crown. Now if only he could break my drought with the ladies.

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