Tips to Stay Fit During the Holidays
The holiday season is finally here with Thanksgiving's coming up in just two days. So many things come with the holidays: presents, the annual "I love you" from your father, quality time with family, shitty football games, blistering cold weather, stupid tourists in the city and last but not least, food. Food is what the holidays are all about. But with this food comes fat. Science shows that if you eat too much food, you will in fact "gain weight." I don't believe this theory is confirmed but a lot of people are buying into it. Have no fear, I am here to give you some tips on how to stay thin during the holidays.
Personally, I do not follow these tips. I was lucky enough to be graced with the a firm body that is immune to the destructive nature of the holidays. Like the many animals of the Galapagos Island, I too have found a way to adapt to my surroundings. And you can too by following these simple steps. First you're going to need a couple of things to get you started. You will need EVERYTHING on this list: prune juice, laxatives, a small yet effective saw, plastic bags, scissors, a comfortable chair, the discography of Kenny G and MAYBE some hot glue. First things first, reserve a space at the table that will ensure you that you can reach every type of food you want without having to get up. You might have to call weeks in advance, but trust me it's worth it. We are going to take that step and make some changes. Finding your seat is now Step 2. Step one will be broken down into Step 1a, Step 1b etc. So now with all the technicalities out of the way, lets get down to the nitty gritty.
Lets get into it. Cut a circular hole in the back of your pants right where you believe your booty hole is. Now do the same to the underwear that you plan on wearing. Find the perfect spot on your comfortable chair and mark it with an X. Now take your saw and cut a circle in the chair. Take your plastic bag and glue it to the bottom of your chair so that it covers up the hole. Let the glue dry up and take a break, you deserve it. Then, you're going to put on your favorite pants, and glue yourself to the chair so that the hole in your pants is in line with the hole on the chair. Keep in mind, this is all prep that takes place a day or two before the holiday of your choice. That was the easy stuff. Now we are going into the fox hole. The place where boys become men. Lets take a look at Step 3.
Make sure your pants are firmly attached to the chair. When you are at your family gathering, do not and I repeat DO NOT draw any attention to the chair. If anyone asks about it, turn the question around and make them feel stupid. After you get through the awkward conversation, get to your reserved spot and slip your aunt a Twenty as a thank you for the spot. After that, its all down hill. Put on your big non-gender exclusive pants and get ready to eat. BUT First, the last and final step. Slip into the kitchen as sneakily as someone with a chair glued to their ass can, and make a cocktail of prune juice and laxative. Chug two glasses while you're in there. Then make another drink and bring it to the table with you. Finally, you may now eat. Throw on that Kenny G CD to lighten the mood and enjoy your food. The food will fly right through you so fast that you won't even know you're eating.
If this plan is executed correctly, with the Kenny G at the right volume, with the bag glued perfectly to the chair, and with your ass glued perfectly to the chair, NOTHING can go wrong. But if one thing is even slightly off, you're entire family will know that you've been shitting into a plastic bag throughout the entirety of your holiday dinner.