In A Nut Shell: Recapping Last Week
Well gang, we all didn't die. We are still here on November 14, and boy what a Monday? Am I right? Throughout last week I found myself constantly pondering the events of the day that quickly became the events of the hour and the second. Before I could process and formulate opinions on one insane occurrence, something else happened and stuff was lit on fire and so on. There was definitely an element of not wanting to contribute to the tsunami of meaningless opinions on the internet. The amount of Facebook inflation was immeasurable. No wonder the market crashed, or rather it didn't but half of America thought it did and CNN projected it and AHHHHHHHHHH! Insanity. The country just didn't stop for a second. So after a week to process, I subject myself to hypocrisy and being obsolete. Here's my recap of one of the craziest weeks in American history. Stick with me to the end, gang, Trust me. That's the best part.
1. Wolf Blitzer is Charlie Kelly
It is time America starts to make meaningful observations and one of them is that Wolf Blitzer is an older news reporter version of Charlie Kelly from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Charlie is a glue huffing, jittery fellow who, well if you don't watch the show it is hard to explain. Watch one episode and you'll get it. The whole gang is remarkably stupid and they're kinda sociopaths. It's awesome. Aside from a clear physical similarity, Wolf Blitzer has a high pitched squeal that sounds like a poor impression of Charlie's signature voice. He also has the worst attention span on Earth when it comes to reporting on both parties. The man is a squirrel. Whenever John King (we'll get to Mr. King soon) talked about a county in Florida where Trump was leading, Wolf would not shut-up until King moved on to Virginia, oh wait he's leading there too go to North Carolina, wrong county she's down there what about New York and California let's stay only on New York and California. Would it hurt to just try and hide political biases?
2. John King
John King's DICK HANGS. Mr. King stole the show for me. Why? Because he did his job. It was not about reporting what he liked, it was about reporting and offering analysis. This was the first presidential election in which I was eligible to vote and naturally I took more interest in it. Politics fascinates me because it is like playing a board game but in real life. The strategy that goes into running a campaign is crazy and I felt as if Mr. King gave me a bit of insight into that by providing factors such as county trends and history, and why votes could swing one way or the other. It is a reminder of how important one's vote can be and that you can learn something from what is supposed to be meaningful programming. King was doing his job all night while others were quite literally crying on air because Hillary lost. Thanks for being a professional, John.
3. Comparing Trump to 9/11
Straight up if you compared or compare this election to 9/11, Fuck You. I know De Niro even came out and said he feels like he did post 9/11, but the dates are just coincidental inverses and don't be a jerkoff. I found it very fitting that people were tweeting and posting this on Facebook Wednesday, November 9th (11/9 if you didn't put that together) and then just two short days later it was Veterans Day. I don't think the irony needs much explanation there. Regardless of your feelings on the War on Terror and the election, to classify an American tragedy in this light is a disgrace. If you wouldn't compare it to Pearl Harbor why would you compare it to 9/11? Yet this also explains why this election was so unique and the blow-back is historic. A nation so divided loses its sense of a nation. Idk maybe I've watched too many Tom Hanks movies/mini-series.
4. "Not My President"
It's begun. Our Facebook news feeds are coming to life. Technically the protesters aren't wrong. Trump is not their president, yet. Because he has yet to be inaugurated. Which reminds me: WAY TOO MANY IDIOTS THOUGHT THAT OBAMA WAS DONE THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION. THESE PEOPLE VOTE. OR PROBABLY DON'T VOTE BECAUSE LIKE HALF THE COUNTRY DOESN'T ACTUALLY VOTE. GOOGLE IT FOR ACCURATE NUMBERS. I have no problem with protesting. I defend the right to protest. It is an American ideal protected by the Constitution. A key part of protesting is actually saying something. You know on Facebook how someone will share a fake article and then just write "Fuck Trump" or "Lock up Hillary." That is literally what is happening in real life. People are marching in cities (holding up traffic by the way, come on guys people have to get to work) and they're just kind of shouting nonsense. Say something intelligent. Use your words to make a meaningful protest. Are any of these protests actively helping the victims of hate crimes since the election results? I don't know but that seems like a real question. That is a key proponent to these protests, correct? Tweeting #NotMyPresident does not change the outcome lol. It's not like Congress will just turn around and say, "Hey a bunch of people in heavily populated urban areas really don't like Trump. I guess Hillary is just president now. She trends on the internet in a more favorable way." Maybe if so many people are passionate about this it should've been done prior to the election. Trump has been, arguably, leading a year-long protest to what our government and society has become. It gained a ton of steam. That protest has succeeded. It is now too little too late for Hillary supporters/anti-Trump folks. To be fair, what people want to change is not necessarily Trump but what Trump has come to represent. The idea that hatred can be and has been substantiated. So this protest on his presidency will not change things. What will change is treating life kind of like, oh I don't know, real life and not Facebook. Shouting "Not my President" and listing reasons why you do not like Trump as a person will not prevent policies you find unjust. It just means you don't like the guy. That's the beauty of American free speech. You have a right to say anything, but nobody really wants to hear it because you know nothing. Or they know nothing. Nobody knows anything. This country has seen great movements and protests throughout its history including how this whole United States became a thing and now we blindly shout things that we think people should hear us say. What is the right way to go about protesting Trump if you are so inclined? I have no idea. But it is not helping with the whole unity thing. This is probably hypocritical of me, yet at least I am not shouting. If you found me to be shouting read this slower and calmer. In a time where words seem to hold so much weight the cries of folks on both sides of this election seem so empty.
Wow do so many people hate Hillary. Like, yikes. She is Angelica Pickles on Rugrats. Even when she wanted to show she cared it seemed hollow. She is so unlikable that she lost to a WWE Hall of Famer. A WWE Hall of Famer is president. That is an angle that no media outlet is running with and I have no idea why. Praise whatever non-specific deity that you may or may not worship that we are here to remind you about that. But here'e the thing. Regardless of popular vote versus electoral college or how many celebrities tweet about it, she lost. According to the system currently in place, the system that has stood since the beginning, Hillary took a big fat L. Some people don't like that. Some people do. That is how our country works. People are happy and pissed every four years with the outcome and we have to live with it. This is also not the first time that the popular vote and the electoral college have not agreed whether it be in primaries or national elections. Conan O'Brien put it pretty nicely on Wednesday. We are subject to our system yet it is still a Democracy. So maybe we fucked up. But we did choose. We collectively as a country voted to elect Trump: those who voted, didn't vote, everybody. Oh, and a vote for a third party candidate is not a vote for Trump or Hillary. What kind of stupid shit is that? A vote for Stein or Johnson is a vote for Stein or Johnson. At least that person voted. What I will not stand for is that people wrote in Harambe and that credible news institutions were reporting on Ken Bone up to and including the election results. America is one big meme now. Maybe that is why an internet troll was elected president. America loves memes so much that we are becoming one.
Side note: Is Bill hyped? I feel like Bill is definitely hyped. No shot Bill wanted to be doing president stuff for four to eight more years. The Bill Clinton America knows and loves was probably plagued with thoughts of Murtaugh and echoing, "I'm too old for this shit." And I mean the real Lethal Weapon Murtaugh played by Danny Glover not whatever FOX is calling that new show. Final thought on Bill, Hillary did not do that great with women. According to CNN Politcs' Tami Luhby, Hillary under-performed with women compared to Barack Obama. I wonder if she was perceived more as another Clinton president as opposed to the first woman president. Maybe this election was so crazy that electing the first woman president was lost a bit but it did not seem as much on the forefront. Instead of digging myself into a hole here, I will say that Seth Meyers gave an extremely heartfelt and intelligent monologue especially in regard to the future of women in the White House.
6. Bill Burr
Damn do I love Bill Burr. One of the best comedians of all time and one of the top two or three active stand-up comedians. Bill has had some of the best takes on issues so prevalent in this election such as racism and sexism that I was so extremely happy when he was on Conan for Wednesday's show. While many celebrities and folks of notoriety took this as an opportunity to preach whichever side they were on (who am I kidding? Every notable celebrity was with Hillary) Bill put the grand scheme in perspective. How does he really affect us? How much does the president actually affect our day to day lives? Yes, there has been an immediate ripple effect from the election, but long term, how much will really change American life? I don't know but the grand scheme is worth thinking about. For example, people are convinced Trump is actually new Hitler. We have checks and balances. The president does not have as much power as perceived. The guy has yet to even be sworn in. Before yelling at me through your screen just shut up and be optimistic, please. I'm trying to be. It is odd but I am trying to be.
7. Saturday Night Live!
One positive of this insane year is that SNL is back. This season has seen some cast members really come into their own and the new additions have mixed very nicely. The election coverage has been superb and Weekend Update is on fire. I want to specifically acknowledge this past Saturday. Aside from being an absolute classic, at least to me personally, it held a special significance. In a year that has forced the country to experience tragic consequences of racial tension and a year that has seen Donald Trump, a symbol of hate for some Americans, be elected president, Lorne Michaels invited without question the perfect host and musical guest. The episode following the results of the election sported two African American, and American as a whole, icons. One of the greatest comedians of all-time made his first television appearance in way, way too long by hosting and one of Hip Hop's most prolific groups and pioneers performed. Dave Chappelle and A Tribe Called Quest. Top to bottom the show was phenomenal and one for the history books. Chappelle delivered right off the bat with his monologue and the election night skit was simply amazing (featuring a cameo from Chris Rock.) Tribe was electric. Not only was their performance, for lack of a better word and in defiance of repition, perfect but the politically charged We the People should strike a chord and is just a taste of what their new album so fittingly has to offer. Hats off to Lorne, the cast and the writers. RIP Phife.
8. Conor McGregor
Yeah, this one doesn't really fit but it happened in the last week. The guy's DICK HANGS. He is the cockiest man alive.
So maybe I know nothing. Whatever. That's my take, or as Larry King would tweet, my two cents. It is ever changing as all of our views should because the country and the world is ever changing. I hope the violence cools down. I hope the protests cool down. I hope the country cools down in order for it to move forward. It won't. We will only be distracted from it by videos of dogs on the internet and we will be reminded of it with propaganda videos for whichever respective party you oppose. Shit, no one will care after next week. Next week? Check your calendar. Nah, not for Thanksgiving. Black Friday! There's nothing like a few good sales for all of America to just go back to normal. Is that an issue? I do not know. There are major issues to be faced as a country as we move forward. Like how McDonald's just brought the McRib back again! Can we stop this? We all know it's awful but just because it is a limited time only that is why we accept it. Maybe that is why Trump is president. We've been consuming the same Quarter Pounder with cheese our whole lives and think a McRib will be tasty just because it's different while in reality both give us diarrhea and heart disease, but we still eat it because it's convenient. That is why I say that this, the election, is the most American thing to ever happen to America. This, for better or worse, happened. Is there work to be done? There is always work to be done, but the United States of America is still pretty dope.