Grudge Match 2: DeNiro/Trump
Here we go! Robert De Niro, one of the greatest actors of all time and arguably the most iconic gangster movie guy, just cut a promo, the promo of his life. I'm not even sure Stone Cold could cut a promo this good. The calm, cool delivery of his threats pack such a punch. This is the real De Niro! I can't get over that. Playing some of the most macho characters in the last 50 years must have rubbed off on the legend. It would be easy to say "Bobby is channeling a young Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway here," but nope. The character I see here is Lorenzo the bus driver from A Bronx Tale. Bob views the country as his 9 year old Cologero. Trump is Sonny and Bob isn't afraid to protect his family. You don't mess with a man's family (I watched this movie again last night).
Now, let's hit the tale of the tape. De Niro wants to punch Trump in the face and something tells me when this whole politics thing is all said and done this could happen. Trump has already been roasted by the Situation. Taking one from ol' Bobby would be a breeze and it would be a heck of a lot better for the audience. The Situation's roast may be one of the worst things to ever happen to America. If it happened today Megyn Kelly would blame it on "radical Islamic terrorists." But I digress.
First up is the challenger. De Niro is 5'10. He's 73. He played one of the greatest fighters of all time, Jake LaMotta, in the 1980 classic Raging Bull , one of the greatest movies of all time. He has a soft side as demonstrated in The Intern, but don't forget that deep down somewhere is "Ace" Rothstein and even deeper is Travis Bickle. Forgive this pun, but Bobby definitely could have a mean street running through veins.
Let's take a look at Trump. According to a phone interview with Fox and Friends, Trump is 6'3/236. It's okay though. All of that weight is in his fupa (Fat Upper Penis Area). Trump is also a WWE Hall of Famer which could give him a slight edge. Both men have experience in the art of not actually fighting, but a Trump impostor has smashed a Fudgie the Whale cake into a fake Rosie O'Donnell, so maybe that counts for something. I hope it does because writing that sentence really makes me question the negative intellectual impact Monday Night Raw has had on me over the years.
It's fair to assume that Trump may have some tactics up his sleeve for this rumble. A steel chair perhaps. But let's not forget who may be in De Niro's corner. Fans of WWE know that when DX came back and joined forces with Hornswoggle it was somewhat of a game changer. For those who saved brain cells by watching anything else on Monday nights, Hornswoggle was a wrestler who lived under the ring and would cause havoc in order to help his allies. He was Finley's guy for a while and then turned to Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Oh, and he is a little person. So now let me ask you, gang, what little, fiery friend could be sitting under the ring to burst out and cause chaos in Bobby D's favor? JOE FRIGGIN' PESCI. Joe has been out of the limelight for a long time and is retired from acting supposedly. But there is no way in hell that if Rob has a big brawl his little gangster movie counterpart won't be there to bash some skulls with a bat.
De Niro takes this one. Trump may talk like Conor McGregor leading up to the bout but there is no way De Niro doesn't walk away the victor. Realistically it would take one punch from the southpaw and Trump actually might die. After so many roles in boxing movies you have to learn something, and there is no doubt in my mind Robert could put on some serious muscle training for this. Based on the debates I don't see Trump doing much of anything to prepare leading up to this fight aside from running his mouth.
One shot from Bobby and Donald's brain starts leaking out of his ears.
De Niro turns to walk away then looks back over his shoulder and says "Donald." Trump's body is spazzing on the floor as he leaks brain.
De Niro: "You're fired."
Side note: De Niro for president? At this point I'd vote for Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.