Chronicle Spider Rangers
Go Go Power Rangers. No, seriously fucking go. Get the fuck out of here. If you’ve seen the new Power Rangers teaser trailer and you’re not as pissed off as I am you can go too because let’s be honest, from what we’ve seen so far, this is not what we wanted. We all knew once this movie was announced that this movie would be butchered, but I at least thought I’d have to see the actual movie to be pissed off, not just the trailer. What’s wrong with it you ask? Well ass-clown if you have to ask you’re not a real Power Rangers fan but I will tell you anyway.
First off, what the hell is with this Saturday school bullshit? All of the power rangers are supposed to be, as the trailer put it, “weirdos and criminals?” That’s a joke, right? Now sure you can make the argument for character development and tales of redemption for some of the rangers but no fuck you that is not how this goes. This is supposed to be the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on the big screen. Everybody knows that in the original Mighty Morphin the chosen teenagers were just normal high schoolers. And that’s another thing. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CHOSEN. ZORDON ASKS ALPHA FOR FIVE TEENAGERS WITH ATTITUDE. WE DON’T WANT FIVE FUCK UPS WITH LOTS OF ANGST AND PROBLEMS WITH BULLIES. WILL YOU GIVE US WHAT WE WANT LIONSGATE??? Nope. We get some Chronicle type nonsense where they just find morphers inside of a rock. Why are the morphers there? Who knows, but I sure as hell won’t be happy with any explanation that may or may not be given. How do they get these morphers out of the rocks? Luckily for these teenagers they just happened to bring explosives to wherever this rock formation was. Who wouldn’t bring such a thing while going on a hike with five strangers? I know I always do.
Then, stealing from another superhero movie, the Lionsgate gang decides to go the Spiderman route. Once these teens have the morphers they start gaining rock hard abs, super strength and the ability to jump over cliffs. Only thing is NOPE that is not how this shit works. They’re not supposed to become crazy strong until they morph. They’re not Tobey Maguire. They don’t get strong out of nowhere. But that’s okay Lionsgate. You can just continue to tear my childhood to shreds. I have one thing in my life to look forward to and what do you give me? A goddamn kid doing karate on a moving train. Thank you! That is exactly what I wanted from this movie. We don’t see Bulk or Skull or Tommy Oliver but thank the lord I see some nerd doing flips and shit on a locomotive. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the fact that Jason looks like a rip-off Zac Effron. Good job Lionsgate. Let’s get someone who looks like a star to play the SECOND MOST IMPORTANT RANGER OF ALL TIME to make it seem like we actually care. We see through you’re bullshit, and we are not pleased.
Now I know this is only a teaser trailer and there is still much more to be seen, but honestly there isn’t. This movie will be a joke. I was all for an edgier, more adult story for the Power Rangers, but not at this cost. Will I still see this movie? Absolutely. Should you? You bet your candy ass. But if you think this movie will be amazing, and you’re not just going to see Bryan Cranston (the most amazing possible casting of Zordon imaginable I might add) as a giant floating head and to hear Bill Hader as Alpha, then you my friend are a sorry excuse for a human and should not call yourself a fan of the Power Rangers franchise.