Tostitos Scoops Deserves Nobel Prize
Let's get controversial, gang. I'll be honest. Until now I have never actually paid attention to the Nobel Peace Prize. I knew that Obama won it in 2009, but aside from that it might as well have not existed. When was the last time any of you cared about or acknowledged the Nobel Peace Prize? There are more categories for things like physics and math but "Peace" seems relevant to most people. I'm going to bet your answer is something like "I know that the Nobel Peace Prize is a thing, but at the same time it might just be from a movie." THAT'S MY POINT. The Nobel Peace Prize is given to people that do some serious work, but since Tostitos Scoops have come out, sometime in the last 10-15 years or so, there have been many recipients that have not had the impact on the world like Scoops. Does the Nobel Prize committee not realize how hard it was to eat chips and salsa when all of the chips were flat? DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE, I'll tell ya!
Here are some Nobel Peace Prize winners that I think should have lost to Scoops. I'll be giving the reason that the recipient was awarded the honor according to nobelprize.org. Then I'll be giving my reasoning as to why Scoops has the edge.
2016: Juan Manuel Santos
The Nobel Peace Prize 2016 was awarded to Juan Manuel Santos"for his resolute efforts to bring the country's more than 50-year-long civil war to an end".
Mr. Santos has been giving his all for a while in trying to end Columbia's civil war. I commend him for that, but just last week a peace deal was rejected. Granted, it was a narrow margin. According to CNN, only 50.22% voted no. But when we're talking about THE Nobel Peace Prize I want results. I'm eating chips and salsa right now and there is zero, count it, zero spillage. All of the salsa is in my mouth in perfect bite size servings. Why? Because the Tostitos Scoop is the most important invention since the light bulb.
2015: National Dialogue Quartet
The Nobel Peace Prize 2015 was awarded to National Dialogue Quartet "for its decisive contribution to the building of a pluralistic democracy in Tunisia in the wake of the Jasmine Revolution of 2011".
When I saw that the National Dialogue Quartet won the award I said, "Why would a four piece string band be so involved in establishing a democracy?" Then I noticed the word "Dialogue," and thought maybe they are a barber shop quartet. Dialogue could also mean that they speak, so maybe they do slam poetry. Slam poetry is stupid so I vote for the chips.
2014: Kailash Satyarthi & Malala Yousafzai
The Nobel Peace Prize 2014 was awarded jointly to Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai "for their struggle against the suppression of children and young people and for the right of all children to education"
This one is pretty simple for me. You know what kids hate? School. You know what kids love? Snacks. Chips and salsa qualify as a snack. I would even say that it is a relatively healthy snack. You know what kids are good at? Making a mess when eating snacks. How do you help kids not make a mess with salsa? Provide them with a proper tortilla vehicle to transport said salsa into their mouth. Answer: Tostitos Scoops. Case closed.
2013: Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW)
The Nobel Peace Prize 2013 was awarded to Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons "for its extensive efforts to eliminate chemical weapons".
Maybe this is me being cynical, but I just don't think you'll ever be able to eliminate chemical weapons. If I gave high school chemistry some more of my time I'd be able to make chemical weapons. There's 8 year old kids on YouTube making this stuff. I respect the effort but advantage to the Frito Lay product.
2012: The European Union (EU)
The Nobel Peace Prize 2012 was awarded to European Union (EU)"for over six decades contributed to the advancement of peace and reconciliation, democracy and human rights in Europe".
Remember Brexit? Lol. If Great Britain left why is it so good or whatever? I guess you could say that the EU hasn't aged very well. Tostitos Scoops on the other hand have aged very well. They are as uselful and tasty as ever. I swear they aren't paying me to write this. I'm just passionate.
2008: Martti Ahtisaari
The Nobel Peace Prize 2008 was awarded to Martti Ahtisaari "for his important efforts, on several continents and over more than three decades, to resolve international conflicts".
I just learned who Mr. Ahtisaari is and he was once President of Finland. I forgot Finland was even a country. If it wasn't for playing as international teams in NHL 98 for the PS1 as a young-in I may have never even heard of Finland. If you're winning awards for conflicts I want them to be big conflicts. It has to compare to the conflict that chip eaters everywhere had for years: trying to scoop up salsa with a flat chip; trying to get the right amount of salsa while not spilling. People used to have to hold their other hand under the chip holding hand and stick their mouth out like a horse in order to not make a mess. Now you have that second hand available for holding a beverage. Now if you spill salsa on yourself you deserve it. That's what I call monumental change.
Did you guys know that Al Gore won a Nobel Peace Prize in '07 (same year Dany Heatley scored 50 goals) for climate change stuff? I just want to acknowledge that if Donald Trump becomes president Al Gore would have won a Nobel Peace Prize for something that the real President of the United States says was invented by China (pronounced "Gyna") to keep US manufacturing down. That's just ridiculously scary and hilarious. They will need to make a new emoji that puts the laughy face and the cry-y face together. That's how we react to that.
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012
Anyway, that is how great Tostitos Scoops are. Obviously I know that these people probably deserved the award for stuff they did, but Scoops were and still are a game changer. Whoever first walked into that pitch meeting at Frito Lay and suggested Scoops should go down in the history books right next to Edison, Bell, Tesla, Franklin, Da Vinci and all those other guys. Hats off to you sir or maddam. You changed snacking forever, and I feel you deserve the proper recognition.