Friday Power Rankings: Celebrity Twitter Bios
Twitter is pretty dope. I have no idea what my life would be like without it and that is an outrageously scary thought. Anyway, one element of twitter that can be pretty underwhelming is the celebrity presence. Yes, pretty much every celebrity is on it from Scott Baio to Leo DiCaprio, but it's mostly for marketing reasons. The best accounts on Twitter are not the celebrities which in some cases is sad. I think I would want some of these people to be more expressive. On the other hand some public figures try too hard *cough cough Hillary Clinton.* One area that really shows how serious established people take themselves is their bios. Some downplay what made them famous in a corny fashion, some state the obvious and some are random and witty. These are the five bios that I deem the best on Twitter. Depending on who you are, celebrity may be a... loose term here.
5. Asa Akira
Asa Akira is an actress/performer in the adult cinema and video business. An internet sensation for all ages and sexual preferences. I myself have never been the biggest fan of hers, but different strokes for different folks. She maintains a solid Twitter presence and the minute I saw the first line of her bio I said "lol that's awesome." And you know what? She's not wrong. If my b-hole won an award I'd be boasting about it too. Own it Asa. You have more money than a lot of people due to that brown-eye so wipe good and don't eat too much spicy food. Take care of that thing.
4. Norm Macdonald
I love Norm. Norm is one of my favorite people on the planet. His Twitter account is something that all walks of life should monitor on a day-to-day basis. One of the best parts of following him is clicking on his page and seeing his bio after forgetting what it is and then reading it again. Maybe it's just because I know what Norm sounds like and I can hear him saying his bio aloud, but I crack up whenever I read it. Norm is such a smart comic (I truly admire him) that I like to think that every character is used purposely. I like to think that even the "i" being lowercase is done on purpose, and I love it. Classic Norm to take something as simple as telling us the color of bananas and make it a killer punchline, for me anyway.
Giving Shaq a shout-out here is such a throwback for me. When I joined Twitter back in 2011 it was a whole different place. A lot of comedians and celebrities were not yet acclimated. Most of the parody accounts and Fat Jew nonsense was not even a thought. Trending hashtags were a nightly thing, not just a segment on the show @Midnight. One of the prime sources of entertainment was Shaq. Shaq's tweets were gold, and we had a blast tweeting at him daily even though he never responded. Now to the bio. Shaq flat out makes up two words. "Quotatious." It's not a word, but it's the only assembly of letters that makes sense here. I just hope that one day I can experience one of his random acts of Shaqness first hand.
All righty. What the fuck does any of this mean? Are they lyrics? I have no clue. This is either the dumbest thing ever typed or it is the most intelligent collection of symbols ever recorded by human life.
1. Kevin Smith
Come on, gang. This right here is flat out hilarious. As a fan of this comic book nerd and indie film legend, I would expect nothing less. I don't think I've ever listened to Smith speak without him referencing cum for longer than 90 seconds. The beauty of this bio is that it is literally everyone's actual biography. Kevin Smith was just smart enough, yes smart enough, to throw it up on Twitter first. And it helps that he has that blue check next to his name.
That's it for this week's Power Rankings. Check out past weeks and keep coming back.